


Hidden Hearts are Never so Hidden

by anarchycox



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Carver Hawke is a character in Inquisition, Feels, Hidden Emotions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Cullen Rutherford, Presumed Dead, Reunions, character returns home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-19 22:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17610401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: When Commander Cullen joined the Inquisition he had brought fellow templar Carver Hawke with him. Carver and a team had been sent out and been declared M.I.A for four months. Cullen was heartbroken, their relationship just started but kept on his duty. Now Carver and his team returned and Cullen is feeling too many things in light of seeing his lost love again and relies on professionalism and duty to see him through the reunion, terrified of breaking apart.hjnm





	Hidden Hearts are Never so Hidden

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cinereous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinereous/gifts).



> So this story ended up being a bit of a mash up between the different prompts for the different ships listed by my person, but it just fit the characters so well that I had to explore this one small moment. I hope you enjoy this fic.

“Sir, a team is approaching Skyhold!” the soldier ran into Cullen’s room with barely a knock.

He had to sigh, the recruits were trying hard, but so many were green, and he had little time to train them properly. He and Cassandra were doing their best but she was regularly gone with the Inquisitor, and they had to prioritize fighting over order sometimes. When the world was falling apart, you couldn’t expect young soldiers to remember to knock.

“People regularly approach Skyhold,” Cullen didn’t look up from his report. “Do they seek the Inquisitor?” Pilgrims, diplomats, they were not his concern unless they were a security threat. And Bull was staying close to the Inquisitor, he and Bull were working together. The Inquisitor had no need to be worried about the three assassination attempts they had thwarted. “Get word to our ambassador.”

“No sir, it is men of ours,” the soldier was almost beaming.

Cullen paused and reached for another pile of paper and scanned his current listings of those that were in the field. “The group from the Fallow Mire returned early?” That was the only logical explanation.

“No, sir, it is Lieutenant Carver Hawke and his men.”

Cullen made sure not to react. “They were considered missing in action, lost in the Korcari Wilds.”

“Guess they are not so lost now, they were spotted by our watchmen, should be crossing the bridge soon.”

“I see,” Cullen replied. “Thank you, soldier.”

“Nice to have a spot of good news, ain’t it sir?” The soldier was rocking on his heels, thrilled to for once not deliver a grim report.

“Indeed,” Cullen agreed and waved a hand to dismiss the messenger and made a show of reading his papers. When he heard the door close he kept the show up for another minute and then put the parchment down. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly.

Four months passed when they were expected back. Four months everyone was sure they had been killed. And now the team returned.

Carver returned.

His hands shook for just a moment, before he willed them steady. He finished the work he had been in the middle of and only then did he leave the office and head down to the gates. Word had spread quickly that a team thought missing, thought dead, was returning. Words like miracle, and thank Andraste moved through the crowd.

Cullen moved himself to the front of the group and waited. 

“Maybe he didn’t miss me, maybe I remember what we said wrong, maybe it was all a dream.”

“Thank you, Cole, always helpful to hear my thoughts out loud like that.”

“I like being helpful,” Cole said.

Cullen turned his gaze to the boy. “And I would suggest you go be helpful elsewhere. Perhaps Varric.”

“Varric comes, he missed The Hawke too.”

“Cole,” was all Cullen said; he would not beg, but for once he hoped the lad was reading his mind.

“He remembers the words too,” Cole said and a blink and he was just gone. It was easy to believe in his nerves of the moment that he imagined the lad’s presence entirely. “They approach!” The guard at the top of the gate shouted.

“Out of my way!” Varric yelled and pushed his way through. “I’m going to kill the kid, it is just like him to pull this shit.”

“I am sure I don’t understand,” Cullen replied.

“Come on, Curly, just like Carver to try to show up Hawke by -”

“Varric, I respect you as a member of the Inquisition but a fierce and loyal soldier has been presumed dead for months. Someone I have spent years beside. I would suggest you choose your words carefully. A difficult task for you, to be sure, but I am sure you can manage to hold your tongue if you want to still have the use of it.”

“Touchy there, Curly. I’m just saying,” Cullen turned his gaze on Varric and whatever Varric saw on Cullen’s face had him quieting. “It is good that he is coming home,” is what Varric concluded with. “Good he’ll get to see Skyhold.”

“It is,” Cullen agreed. Carver had gone missing a month before the attack. He wondered what he would think of Cullen’s office, the bed in the loft. Not that they had ever shared a bed yet. Well they had, but it was from exhaustion, soldier’s crashing on pallets because of limited supplies. He perhaps wished more, but they were not such yet to allow liberties. And who knows what the months had wrought.

Cullen wished Carver would hurry and cross the threshold into Skyhold. He needed to see him. He was not surprised though that the other men crossed first; Carver had been in charge of the team and of course he would see his men safely home first.

The others had never seen, never wanted to see the man Carver had become. It didn’t fit their narrative of anger, of support for Hawke; it was a betrayal becoming a templar. They never saw the dozens of times that Carver had stopped other templars from going after them; never saw the mages that Carver protected when the Tower at Kirkwall had gone to hell. When Cullen had let it go to hell. But Cullen had see and that is why when he left to join the Inquisition he had made sure that along with a few select others that Carver was at his side. Carver was the moral compass he needed; a centre when he forgot, when his hurt, his past overwhelmed him. The last several months, when he thought terrible things, and doubt crept in, he tried to imagine what Carver would say.

Something brash, and crude, but accurate, and his heart would ache with longing for the likely dead man, but he made sure to do right. By his men, by the mages, by the Inquisition.

Even once or twice by for himself. Carver would be upset it hadn’t been more.

The men looked tired, worn. Their armor missing in places, dented. One had a sling on his arm, and the team of 8 were five.

A strange mabari in war paint barked and ran alongside them.

“Only Carver would find a mabari in the wild,” Varric shouted and laughed. There were cheers and applause for each man.

Cullen could feel his heart racing. He saw dark hair, grown long. Whereas the other men, looked thin, Carver seemed to have put on even more muscle in the Wilds. He had a scar along his jaw, and his templar sword was gone, a huge maul strapped to his back.

“To Lieutenant Hawke who brought us home,” one of the returning soldiers shouted and the whole crowd roared.

Carver seemed to not notice it at all, scanning the crowd. His eyes drifted past Cullen and then snapped back.

Oh.

Carver had been looking for him.

“Andraste’s arse, Curly, go greet your man,” Varric said and gave him a nudge.

Carver’s eyes did not leave Cullen even as people surrounded him, clapped him on the shoulder. Cullen moved through the crowd until he and Carver were close. A reasonable distance apart. Not in personal space. Not in public. If Cullen touched Carver now he would break, and despise himself for it.

“Sir,” Carver greeted.

“You are late, Lieutenant,” Cullen’s voice was sharper than he meant it to be and a few people look at him in shock. Even for their stern commander, it feels a little much on such a joyous moment.

Carver though just smiles, “Well, you know me, I find a puzzle and I have to figure it out.”

“And what puzzle was that?”

“The puzzle of the Chasind folk,” Carver said. “They fight, well three groups, fight with us. No demon, no Venatori, no tainted templar will find aid or succor in the Korcari Wilds and they will send furs, herbs, weapons to us to aid our cause.”

“Your mission was not one of diplomacy, it was to hunt down a group we got word of, assess that situation and return home.”

“There were complications. Usually are when you get a Hawke involved,” Carver grinned.

“Ain’t that the truth,” Varric said. “Come on, let me buy you a drink.”

“I think not,” Cullen snapped, “The lieutenant owes me a full accounting of what occurred and lead to four months of missing men, and an unapproved of alliance with the Wilds people.”

“We could use a bath sir,” one of the team said. “Been a hard ride to get here. The lieutenant pushed us fast after we returned to Haven and saw the wreckage.”

“Would that he had that speed several months ago,” Cullen replied and ignored the gasps. “My office, Lieutenant.” He stalked away up the steps to his rooms and a guard stood at attention. “We are not to be disturbed while the lieutenant gives his report.” It was an almost competent man at the door and he nodded swiftly, a bit scared of Cullen’s tone.

Cullen went into the office and went to the door at the other side. A room with two exits, three if you count the hole in the roof, seemed a good idea at the time. Now it was cruel. He wrenched open the door and was shocked when he saw one of Bull’s men there instead of the regular post. “Bull sent me. No one going to be bothering you, this way,” he promised.

“I thank you,” Cullen said and closed the door and barred it for good measure. He heard the other door close and he and Carver were alone. He stared at the scar along the young man’s jaw. All he wanted in the world was to kiss it better.

But he couldn’t move. As much as he longed to pull Carver in his arms, it had been months and they had only been at the start of something.

“Cullen,” Carver said softly and began to move forward.

Cullen ignored it, he couldn’t cope with the swirl of emotions pouring through him, it was all overwhelming and if he thought about it for even a moment, he would fall apart.

He did not have the time to fall apart.

“Lieutenant Hawke,” he said formally and moved behind his desk and sat down. “I need an accounting of what happened.” He pulled out a piece of parchment and dipped his quill into ink and wrote careful words at the top of the page. His hand wavered as he wrote Carver, but doubted the man saw. The hole in the ceiling let in enough light, along with the windows that in the day he never needed candles. It was a shame, then it would be easy to blame the watery eyes on the cheap fat candles he sometimes used. He cleared his throat. “Now then, what was the first delay?”

“Can this not wait until after?”

“After your bath?” Cullen asked, “I’d rather thought you’d want to get this over with and then enjoy rest. Clearly you are not expected back on duty for 72 hours, more if the healers say.”

“72 hours? I’ve been gone four months and almost died twice!” Carver yelled. Cullen looked up and watched as Carver collected himself. When the boy had first started with the templars there would have been more yelling and a storm out that would have resulted in privy duty. But the man had been forged in Kirkwall, and was not so impetuous anymore. Carver took a deep breath, “I of course, serve the Inquisition, Commander. I had just hoped for a more...personal welcome home, before business was attended to.”

“We all hope for many things, but if we do not attend to our duty, we risk the world falling apart.”

“The world will fall apart if I don’t fill out this report, right now?” Carver barely contained the snort.

_ I will _ , Cullen thought. If he had to watch the man walk away to the bathing chambers and then to the bar, where no one really welcomed Cullen, too nervous around the serious commander, he would sink low. He wanted a few more moments to look at Carver, to start to believe that he had returned. “Lieutenant, I know that I impressed upon you the importance of diligence.”

“I remember the mopping the floors yes,” Carver said. He had a look in his eyes that Cullen didn’t understand. “We fell into a trap,” Carver began and explained everything that happened over the four months. Cullen appreciated the formal tone that Carver used, the matter of fact details. He stumbled over the deaths in his team and Cullen looked up.

“Soldiers die in battle, Lieutenant. Were you derelict in your duty?”

“I could have -”

“Hawke,” Cullen said sternly, “were you derelict in your duty?”

Carver touched the scar on his jaw. “No sir, I did everything I could. But I knew from the second we fell into that trap not all of us would make it back.”

“I have faith you did everything you could. I knew putting you in a leadership role would only benefit the Inquisition.” Cullen allowed a little pride to slip into his voice, the only emotion he felt comfortable sharing at the moment. The only one he was sure wouldn’t mean that a thousand other words and feelings would spill out.

“Cullen,” Carver swallowed, “I tried to do what you would have done.”

“No, Lieutenant, you did what you would have done, which is all the better.” When Carver took a step forward, Cullen quickly shook his head. “How did you survive running out of Lyrium rations? To go cold without, is a brutal affair.” Cullen well remembered the feeling and relieved it at least once a week.

“Oh that,” Carver just shrugged it off.

“Excuse me, there is no ‘that’,” Cullen said, “Many templars have been almost destroyed by going without.” I was almost destroyed. I am almost always destroyed.

Carver looked at him. “You know I only ever took half the allotted Lyrium. At Kirkwall, at Haven.”

Cullen was stunned. “You were one of my strongest templars.”

“I was a templar long before I joined,” Carver said. “I could do most of our work without lyrium, it just helped, so I always took half rations, smuggled the rest to mages, or templars suffering. Only one other templar in my group so I slowly weaned her down, stretched her out giving her mine. Bitch of a headache and shit my pants a couple times as I came off it, but after about 4 days never was a problem.”

“Bloody Hawkes,” Cullen muttered. He made a few more notes. “And our new alliance, how did you arrange that?”

“Well you can thank the mabari we brought home with us,” Carver grinned.

“I thank Andraste for mabari everyday,” Cullen managed to joke in return. “Is the dog bonded to you?”

“No, to Severs,” Carver said. “Found us starving in the woods, took us to a group. Things got weird, got weirder, got weirdest, and boom we have friends now.”

“You always made friends in interesting places.”

“Think you mistook me for my brother,” Carver said. The bitterness that the words would have carried years ago, long gone.

Cullen looked at him, “You made friends with me. What is more odd than that?”

“More than friends, I thought,” Carver’s voice made Cullen’s heart ache and he couldn’t, he just couldn’t cut himself open after months of closing himself off.

“What are the exact terms of the alliance you formed?”

“Cullen, please, I need to touch you,” Carver said.

“And I need to know what to expect from what be arriving. Goods, men? I need to be able to differentiate between those that wish to aid the Inquisition and those that mean it harm.” Cullen looked at a point over Carver’s shoulder, he at the moment knew if he looked at Carver, he would have nothing left. “Lieutenant finish your report.”

“Of course, sir, want nothing more. Find some people happy to see me,” and there was the anger and bitterness, not so long gone after all. Carver’s words were short and biting but the report was finished soon enough. “And there you have it sir. Unless you need to know that for months all I thought about, all I dreamt of was you, returning to you and continuing what we had started? Or is that not the sort of information that fits in your report?”

“I dreamt of very little while you were gone,” Cullen said. Nightmares of Carver dying in his arms were not dreams after all.

“Suppose there were other soldiers who fell in love with your sad eyes,” Carver said and snapped a perfect salute. “I’ll make sure to let them know not to get lost, you move on quickly.” He began to stalk to the door.

“I did not dismiss you, Lieutenant,” Cullen ordered, the briskness hiding the heart in his throat.

Carver turned ready to snarl, Cullen braced himself for the blow of either words or fists. He wondered why Carver paused, why he didn’t attack. “My apologies, Commander. Is our meeting complete? Do you have all the information you need?”

“I believe so,” Cullen said. He braced his fists on his desk. “I commend you on your actions and bravery and determination. I bid you welcome to Skyhold. Quarters will of course be arranged for you and your team and -”

“Commander, that is not your job, the quartermaster will take care of us, I am sure.”

Cullen wondered why the man now sounded almost soft. “Good, yes, of course.” He needed to think of something, anything to keep Carver here. Because he was sure if he left, he’d never return, that this would have all been a delirium when he hungered for Lyrium. A trick of his mind giving him his heart’s desire. “Do you -”

“Commander, is our meeting at an end?” Carver’s voice was calm, firm. Resolute.

“Yes, it is, Lieutenant. Please seek your rest, and the ale that Varric will ply you with,” Cullen said. He bowed his head and waited to hear the door open. But it didn’t. He looked up, “Lieutenant was there something else?”

“Cullen, it’s okay,” Carver said.

Cullen blinked away the wet. “Of course, everything is fine.” He cleared his throat. “Now, lieutenant what do you need?”

“I’m afraid that I cannot get out of my armor. The one shoulder to keep it on, well we had to get creative.”

“I’m sure at the bathing chamber you could find aid.”

“You know how difficult it is to trust someone behind you. I trust you.”

Cullen wondered what he had done to deserve this hell, and then he remembered the last 10 years. He deserved far worse. He walked over and Carver turned his back. He could see what Carver meant and after a moment used his small dagger to cut the man free from the armor. He found his hands moving and that he could not stop. He attended to Carver as a squire would, even knelt before the man, until all his armor was off. 

“I smell horrible,” Carver said.

“You do,” Cullen agreed. The smell of sweat and metal, and a few other things was strong, and unpleasant, and oddly a relief. Because if this was a dream, a hallucination, there would be no such stench. “It is not uncommon though for soldiers to be in such a state, especially after your sufferings.”

“Cullen, I am here,” Carver said and he reached out and cupped Cullen’s cheek and everything that Cullen had been holding back flooded out and he could not breath. He choked on the air that tried to fill his lungs and felt Carver push him to a chair and a hot hand rubbed his back, as Cullen tried to remember to make his body function.

“I hurt, every day you were out of sight,” Cullen said. “The ache never got better. I buried it down as deep as I could, but it was always there waiting for me. You were dead, and I had no time to mourn.”

“Every day I missed you, tried to get myself a little closer to you. When we reached Haven-, the scream I let out, the other templar in the group feared I had been possessed by a demon. No one ever forgets I’m from a mage family, figure maybe I have just enough blood, it could happen to me. But your man stationed there explained what happened. Send us to you. When he said your name, when he said Commander Cullen will be happy of your return, all I could think was to get to you.”

“Whenever, I was at my worst, I tried to think of what you would say. You always found me when I was low and made me smile. The only reason I went on some days was because you would have been furious if I didn’t.” Cullen twisted his head and looked at Carver. “Are you real?”

“The smell doesn’t prove it?”

Cullen leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Carver’s. His lips were chapped and his mouth tasted repulsive.

No kiss had ever felt more comforting, more wondrous.

“Carver,” Cullen said when they broke apart. 

“Cullen,” Carver replied.

“You are on fucking privy duty for making me hurt like this.”

“You wouldn’t abuse your power in such a way,” Carver said and Cullen was annoyed that the man knew him that well.

“I have to insist that you take the quarters that I am going to assign you,” Cullen said. “They are bracing, the room has only half a roof, and a rickety ladder up and down.”

He saw Carver look over to the corner that lead to the loft. “I can accept the quarters you suggest,” Carver said.

“Go bathe, Carver, go to the tavern, enjoy the homecoming you deserve,” Cullen insisted.

“I deserve you,” Carver said and leaned in for another kiss.

“You shall have me,” Cullen said. “And I shall have you, but I need...I need…” He couldn’t form the words.

“I’ll go as you suggest, and you go beat the shit out of some practice dummies with Cassandra,” Carver said. “And tonight?”

“Tonight,” Cullen pulled him in for a hard kiss. “Tonight I will touch every single bit of you, to make sure you are not a dream. I will embrace you and never let you go again.” He leaned his forehead against Carver’s. “Tonight we make last for four months. The months that were taken from us. No more will be taken from us.” It was a rash promise in the middle of war, but Cullen meant it. He would not let anything else, even the end of the world hurt them again.

Carver laughed a little. “Almost sounds like magic there, Cullen.”

Cullen smiled a little. “Andraste grants miracles. She brought you back. She can extend the night for us. Or at least make it feel as such. Go before I don’t let you leave.”

“Maybe I don’t want to leave,” Carver pointed out.

“Go, that is an order.”

“Never been the best at obeying you.”

Cullen allowed all his emotions to show on his face, a thing he only did with a few. And Carver got to see more than anyone had since he was a child. “Can you obey me just this once?” There was hope, need, desperation, and happiness writ all over him.

Carver gave him one more kiss. “Just this once,” he promised. “Until tonight.”

“Until then,” Cullen said. He took a few deep breaths, a mistake that close to Carver and nodded. He went around his desk and began to read his letters again. Carver walked out but Cullen noticed he left his armor behind, a reminder that he would return.

Because he was there.

It was real.

His heart had come home.


End file.
